Ironically Lucky Too Late for the Race (Book 3)

Lucky’s Sign-in

Welcome back. Again.

And if you’re starting a trilogy with the third book… In Book 2, I called people like you weirdos. I was wrong. Weirdos at least start in the middle. You? There’s no word for you. You’re on your own.

Here’s the five-second recap. It’s gonna take way longer than five seconds. That’s kind of the whole fucking problem.

Book 1:

Saved a ridiculously hot girl from a car. Got hit by the car instead. Never got her name nor her number.

Book 2:

Traffic court (I’m the one who got hit. Still waiting for someone to explain that shit.)

A thug named Cole.

A black eye, courtesy of said Cole.

The deli. We don’t talk about the deli.

Cricket. Still. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

Book 3: You’re holding it. Pray for me.

Bank account? I stopped checking. Checking is for people with hope.

If you wanna know how I ended up this fucked up, stop being lazy. Go get Book 1 (Murphy’s Law) and Book 2 (It Can Only Get Worse). Read them. In order. Then this one actually makes sense.

And maybe one day I’ll see a number without a Goddamn minus in front of it.

And to you Muthafuckas who’ve been here since the first book…

Seriously, get a (better) hobby….

But anyway.

Welcome to the final round. Let’s get this shit over with.

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Chapter 41

The Four-Hour Excursion

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At this point in my life, I’m not one to wallow in a low amount of self-confidence. I mean, I’ll be awkward about things, and I have no idea about what I’m actually doing, but for the most part I was an advocate of the idea that other people were just as lost as me so let’s all be lost together. Also, quite frankly, I’ve just never really had the time of day to self-reflect. It’s just as well though, I think that my head would have exploded if I spent too much time doing that. Yes, I am just that awesome.

How awesome?

THIS AWESOME:

I can start and finish a standard essay between the hours of eleven p.m. and one in the morning. And I still get a decent grade. Like, a B+ or A-, depending on the class.

I can keep a perfectly straight face when I lie/ tell a joke. It confuses people and sometimes they don’t know if I’m joking or not, which gives me the upper hand. And make them feel all awkward for once.

I’m actually not that short. I mean, I am, but guys don’t stop growing until their mid-twenties anyway. I’ll be a giant by then. Or at least average. I mean; I’m the same exact height as Simon so whatever. It doesn’t even matter.

I (sometimes) DRIVE A FUCKING MOTORCYLE. THE END.

Suffice to say, this amount of awesome still doesn’t do all the work for me; to continue being awesome, I have to maintain it. Unfortunately, as the days went by, I began to doubt myself.

In the morning, settling in during homeroom, I would announce to myself in my head, ‘TODAY. I will casually strike up a conversation, make Cricket laugh, and proceed to ask her out.’ And then the day would commence and every conversation I had with her I would end with a cringe. Fuck! Why did I say that? Goddammit, why didn’t I say this, it would’ve been so much funnier! No, what possessed me to ever say something so morbid and awkward? And so on and so forth.

That was when I decided that I could not rely on myself anymore, and to once again become a slave to my fate. And by fate, I mean, shit I made up and coincidences I would string together. It really made no sense. But still, it was stuff like, if during lunch, Cricket sat next to me and made a nod or small joke at my can of root beer, thus alluding to that shared moment we had with root beer last time, then I would ask her out. If, during calc, Cricket asks me to help her with a question due to my uncanny ability to get the right answers (but never showing the work), then I would ask her out. If we ended up walking together, alone enough for neither of us to be involved in another conversation, I would ask her out. If Cricket went up to the board to answer a question and suddenly a pirate busted through the wall, grabbed her and tried to abduct her, I would chase them all the way back to the boat, challenge them all to a duel, win against all fifty of them, save her, have a scene where we stand really close to each other, the wind whipping through our hair as the sun set behind us, a bosom heaving somewhere, then I would ask her out.

Yeah, I can’t believe none of that happened either. I was so ready to take on fifty pirates.

Anyway, today was going to be different. I didn’t know this at the time, but it was. I have no way of explaining it at all. Maybe because it was Friday after lunch and I had eaten half a bag of gummy worms along with cheese fries and a BLT, or maybe because I spent the last couple of days completely stagnant with zero results; whatever it is, I don’t know. It’s just that I got a sudden twinge somewhere in my nether regions and it dawned on me. It just did. So, I turned towards Cricket.

“Hey,” I said. “There’s like, a shit load of movies coming out this weekend, you wanna go? Like, tomorrow?”

She blinked at me, surprised, “To the movies?”

I stared at her, “To rob a bank actually... of course to the movies! If I mention something about movies and in that same sentence follow that with a proposition, what do you think I’m asking you about?”

Cricket laughed, “I dunno, Lucky, with you it could be anything.”

“What does that mean?”

She shrugged, still smiling as she ignored my last question. But it was okay: “Sure,” she said.

I kept my face straight (remember, it’s because I’m awesome) and decided to push my luck, “We could grab something to eat before or after too.”

“Yeah, maybe, that sounds great,” Cricket nodded enthusiastically, “Was there something you wanted to see?”

“You can choose, anything’s good as long as not a chick flick.”

She laughed again, “Actually I’m not into chick flicks, so we’re good.”

Holy fucking shit, she is my other half. “Isn’t it like, a requirement for all girls to...”

The teacher decided we had enough time to complete the work on the board (which I incidentally didn’t even register in my mind, much less solve), but that too was okay. In fact, as I turned back to face the board, everything was beyond okay. I was almost inclined to take the bathroom pass just to walk out of the classroom and do one of those victory fist pumps and a FUCK YEAH dance.

But I refrained. I kept this victory to myself for a long while, letting it sit, warm and comfortable like a tiny baby mammal curled up on my chest. Or like a full belly of homemade chunky soup. I marveled at how easy this ended up being, and I pondered about why it was so hard to begin with, and these two subjects dominated my mind and kept me in a quiet stupor for most of the day.

Also, I patted myself on the back for being super casual and cool about this when I dropped the news on Darwin. “So, I asked her out,” I coolly and quietly said as Darwin and I were heading to class.

“Dude! Yeah!” he shouted, making an underclassman jump (in our defense, he was all up in our personal space (as was everybody else in this hall) so not our fault), “Finally!”

“Fuck yeah!” I concurred.

“And?”

“And what?”

Darwin looked at me, “Uh, I guess she said yes?”

“Fuck yeah!”

“So, what are you guys gonna do?”

“I dunno, a movie.”

“When?”

“Tomorrow?”

“Dude, I hope you realize a date involves more than just asking, there’s like, planning and stuff...”

“Shut the fuck up, dude, I know.” Now I do at least. Having never really planned for anything in my life, I wasn’t sure what Cricket was expecting. She’s pretty chill, so I’m not that worried.

We entered the classroom and proceeded to wrap up the conversation. “Just saying. High five!” On Darwin’s command, we did, indeed, high five in the most bro-like fashion we could muster.

“What are you guys doing?” Wendy, from her seat, gave us an incredulous look.

Darwin laughed and headed to his seat, as I settled into mine, in front of Wendy. “Just high-fiving my bra, dude,” I said with an excessive head bob.

“Please don’t talk like that ever again,” Cricket said as she breezed past me towards her seat.

I laughed in reply.

* * *

After the last class, I caught Cricket to confirm tomorrow’s movie date, deciding that we’d just show up at the theater at five and just see what’s playing. And then, maybe afterwards, we’d go get food or something. And then she had to run home for something and I ran into Darwin, already dressed in his soccer uniform and dragging a bag of balls and his cleats behind him.

“Dude!” he called out, “Were you just talking to Cricket?”

“Yeah man, just seeing what time the date is gonna be.” I couldn’t help but grin like the lucky bastard I was.

“Fucking finally,” Darwin grinned back.

“Seriously.”

We went our separate ways, and I almost whistled on my way home. There, I sat around for a while and did a bunch of nothing like, played with the cat, watched TV, played video games; the usual. But then Tiff got home and decided to have a fat kid moment. Not even kidding, this is what she said, verbatim:

Tiff: Holy shit, do you want cheeseburgers? Because I want burgers. BURGERS.

Although, when written, it doesn’t appear to be that unique of a statement (no matter how grammatically wrong it is), but hearing this come out of my sister’s mouth is somewhat of an anomaly. The word ‘burger’ is pronounced in a guttural manner, as if it were her stomach, or something else located beyond her throat was bellowing its death cries. Combined with the crazed look of pure crazed desire in her eyes, and that, my friend, is one of the classic cases of our self-proclaimed, ‘fat kid moment.’ (Another example would be that time Tiff made two batches of cookies and brought one with her to her study group, while the other ended up in my digestive tract. I ate the entire thing in one sitting and almost managed to lie about not eating it until I let out a moan of pain. And a burp that smelled like cookies. Oh God, did it hurt. But it felt so good at the same time… Oh, and there was that other time when I ate an entire apple pie for dinner.)

So off Tiff and I went on what ended up being a four-hour excursion. The burger place that we had to go to was one of the places that Linx took us a long time ago, and because we drove that time, we could only guess where it was located. The subway we took to get there was one that got us to the general area, but after that there was a bunch of wandering and ‘Do we recognize this place?’ sort of thing going on, but I dare not question Tiff’s quest, lest I be eaten myself. I didn’t even try to convince her to try a burrito place we passed that looked good, so I quietly let my stomach turn in on itself. Do not fuck with the fat kid.

I have to admit though, when we finally found the place, it was well worth it. It’s also nice to indulge every once in a while, and yes, those burgers were delicious. I would go on about the juicy perfections that they were, but I gorged upon a jumbo sized one and then had three quarters of a second one and then I wanted to puke. The reason why it took us so long to get back actually was because we were so full we had to tread very carefully or else I think we were going to explode. Also we needed to digest some before we went back to the subway because any sort of foul smell that usually lingered down there could’ve possibly set off our gag reflexes.

It was awesome.

Back on the train, Tiff decided to finally let me in on what’s up with our finances. “I think after this semester, I’m gonna take off.”

“Oh. Wait, what does that mean?”

“Just that I’m gonna start looking for a full-time job, probably after December sometime. I’m gonna go back, just not now.”

Steady income sounded nice, but it was something I couldn’t see Tiff enjoying. An office job? Retail? Waitressing for her was always the most profitable since she really milked it for the tips. “Why? I thought you really wanted to go to school.”

“I do. I just don’t know what I’m doing there now. I still don’t know what I wanna do and we can’t afford that.”

“I didn’t know that. I mean, I just didn’t know that you didn’t know what you were doing.”

“Besides, I’ve been saving up for you so after you graduate, you don’t have to work so hard to pay for college.”

“Wait, you’ve been saving for me? How much?”

Tiff gave me a wry look, “Some. You can’t touch it right now, it’s in the bank earning interest. I was moving a lot of money around between banks which was how I messed up on your account earlier.”

“Oh yeah.” To be honest, I haven’t even thought about anything post high school, but it was comforting to know that Tiff was. So content, full, and pleasantly at one with the world, I looked at my sister, “Thanks, Tiff.”

And despite all of my shortcomings and the constant receiving of the short end of the stick and being fate’s bitch, life was good.

Even when the next day I spent all day doing absolutely nothing, and I somehow looked at the clock and realized I was going to be late. Indeed! I didn’t do jack shit all day and the date wasn’t even until five! The reason why I didn’t do anything was because I couldn’t... I was completely unable to focus on anything and quite literally wandered around in circles. In my room. And then in the living room. And then in Tiff’s room until she kicked me out for bothering her (she was trying to do homework, and I just wanted to lure out the stupid fat cat of Linx’s; it’s not like I actually wanted to hang out with her, that quota was filled last night).

I was in a sheer state of disbelief still, that I, Lucky, was going to go on a date with Cricket.

A date.

With Cricket.

Who was awesome and laughed at my jokes and made fun of me back?

I couldn’t believe it. Even as I actually, for the first time in months, checked myself out in Linx’s mirror (yes, I broke into his apartment just to use it, though it was not much of a break in being that I picked his lock and walked in to find him sitting on his couch eating cereal and channel surfing), adjusted my outfit accordingly (the downside of using Linx’s mirror was that he stood around and offered useless hints, such as: ‘Tuck in your shirt. No, don’t tuck in your shirt. No wait, half tuck in your... Yes! Perfect. Now you look like a douchebag.’) and then that was when I realized I was going to be late.

Actually, not gonna lie, I think I kinda knew I was going to be a little late when I took that second shower. Which I took because after that first one, I totally accidentally dumped way too much cologne on myself. It was to the point in which Tiff (who I made no mention to about my date) got super suspicious and the cat wouldn’t stop sneezing.

And still, as I ran to the subway station, I was still in this strange stupor. Me! On a date! With Cricket! This shit was easy! If I wasn’t me and actually acted upon my emotions, I would be zip-a-dee-doo-da-ing the entire way, maniacal grin and all. Female Lucky would no doubt be amidst a real chick flick, doing a girly ‘OMIGOD!’ scream and then a shoe shopping, perfect outfit planning montage would follow. Or really geeky version me would’ve crapped my pants twice already in fear or doused myself in too much cologne... oh no wait, already did that... or like, I dunno, walked into an inanimate object hard enough to send myself to the hospital and thus miss the date. Or zip my dick up into my zipper or something like that movie. Epic. The me of several months ago, when things were still in the shit, would’ve just gotten hit by a car. Again. But since this is ‘things are sorta going good,’ cool me, I was perfectly calm.

Or I would’ve been if I weren’t rushing. I exerted about twice as much energy as usual as I darted through the underground tunnels after stepping off the train, weaving in and out of pedestrian traffic and accidentally body checking a few hapless victims (who, when turning around to identify the jerk in question, merely saw a blur). When I got to the big movie theater, I had to ask myself again if this was the right one (in the event that if something were to go wrong, going to the wrong venue was totally something I could see happening to me), inconspicuously sniffed myself (did I forget to use deodorant? No, no I did not) and then casually walked into the main entrance.

Enter: exude cool, fearless calm.

Except I just remembered that I should’ve probably brought something with me to give to her. Flowers? Chocolates? God what do people fucking do on first dates on my budget? On any budget? Are there rules for this? I panicked for a moment (ultimately deciding that I couldn’t go and pick the fake flowers which served as décor at this entrance because… that’s just wrong) but then decided I would just tell her I really did think about bringing her something, but I was running late enough as it was.

Being late, I assumed that she would already be here, since she wasn’t outside. I scanned the room and instead found Darwin, Dane, Simon and Kyo. They waved me over. I didn’t know whether or not I should be weirded out that they were here to witness my first date with Cricket... like, should I be nervous? Would it be strange for them to see that Cricket was with me since nobody, but Darwin knew? Would this end up being super awkward? God, I hope they don’t end up seeing the same movie as us. And if they did, I hope they sit below us. In case Cricket and I end up making out which would be fucking awesome.

Consternated but attempting to hide it, I went up to them. “’Sup,” I said with a nod.

“Hey dude,” Kyo said, “This is a surprise, I barely see you outside of school.”

I shrugged.

“Yeah, I don’t think you’ve gone to one party this year,” Simon added.

“Eh,” I said, and tried not to make it too obviously I was looking around them to see if Cricket were anywhere nearby.

“Dude, Lucky, I need to show you something,” Darwin looked at me, and I gave him a look back. He pulled out his phone and backed away.

“What’s up?” I asked him as soon as we were out of earshot. “Is it important? By the way, have you seen Cricket?”

He played with his phone as I peered at it expectantly. “Actually,” he said, “I don’t have anything to show you, I just pretended I did because uh, was this supposed to be your date with Cricket?”

I caught on immediately. I questioned it anyway, “What do you mean, ‘supposed to?’ Are you saying that...”

“Yeah.”

Pause.

“What the fuck?” I all but yelled, “Yo, you got invited along with this along with everybody else and you didn’t have the fucking decency to warn me?”

“I didn’t know! It was Wendy who invited me this morning and then Simon called me during lunch and when I got here Cricket was already here! And then I asked if she’s talked to you and she was like, ‘Oh yeah, Lucky was the one who suggested this!’ and that was like, two minutes ago.”

Letting this congeal for a moment, I stared at Darwin’s phone, mostly because I didn’t know what else to look at. “I think,” I finally said, “there’s a phrase for this. A word that explicitly describes this exact situation.”

“I dunno, dude,” Darwin said.

To make it official, it felt like there was this cavity in my chest, and something in there rattled and detached, but before it could hit bottom, the bottom opened up into this black endless abyss. “Now I feel like a dumbass. And that was when I looked up to see Cricket coming towards us, Wendy and Zephyr in tow.

“Hey!” Cricket chirped and waved, “You finally made it!”

“Yeah, I was just telling her how you rarely come to these things and how weird it was that you were the one who planned this all out,” Wendy added.

“Huh,” I wheezed, suddenly feeling like a deflated whoopie cushion. For a second I hoped I actually was and that all the air in my body had vacated, leaving me a flat shell of a poor boy who would float away with the wind, as dead and soulless as a tumbleweed. It’d be one of my more dignified exits.

“Did you get your ticket yet? The movie starts in like, five minutes, we should go,” Cricket said.

“Uh, no, I don’t even know what we’re watching,” I trailed off.

“Hey, guys, we should start getting seats, I think it’s gonna be crowded,” Dane shouted our way.

“Hurry up and get your ticket, we’ll save you a seat,” Cricket smiled and playfully pushed me towards the ticket booth, where a long line awaited me. Then she turned and trotted off towards the rest of the group, who were beginning to head towards the theaters.

“Yeah, dude, we’ll save you a seat,” Darwin gave me a look that was both reassuring and pitying at the same time.

“Wait, what’s the movie called?” I called towards their descending backs. “I don’t even know what we’re seeing…”

* * *

I guess it was kind of a good thing we were watching a movie. A movie that sucked and I totally wasted eleven bucks on, but it was a form of entertainment and escapism regardless.

Waiting in line to buy a ticket had me contemplating on just leaving, but I never really finished that thought since by the time that sentence completed itself in my head, I was already ten people from the back of the line so it felt like I shouldn’t. And then I got pissed for waiting in line to pay for a movie I didn’t want to see, and then I got really pissed for the people in front of me, who, I swear to God, tried to pay with three different credit cards that were all declined, and then they stood there taking up space looking for any cash that they could have on them until they finally procured another credit card that actually worked. And then I had to race to the correct movie theater (of course the movie that we were seeing was the one on the third floor furthest to the back) and then when I walked in there I had missed the first five minutes (which were apparently crucial to the whole plot since I had no idea what was going on for the next hour) and then three minutes searching the audience for the group, in which I was finally saved by Darwin who threw up his cellphone for me and pointed to the last empty seat of the entire place, which was right in front of him between a fat man and a pimply pubescent couple. The rest of our crew had to scatter ourselves in pairs or in threes... I had no idea where Cricket was until the end, and even then, I had to look hard since she was one of those people who sat until the end of the credits.

“That movie kind of sucked,” Cricket said when we all gathered outside of the theater, which reflected my sentiments exactly. I could only describe this feeling as a delightful little ‘yay!’ in my otherwise peeved mind.

“Yeah, it was stupid, but at least it was kinda funny,” Simon said. “But yeah, it did suck.”

“’Kinda’ funny,” Kyo repeated, “It was but I was more annoyed than anything else.”

Zephyr piped up, “Yeah, but it was still better than that other movie you guys wanted to see.”

“Hey, sorry to cut this short, but I gotta go,” Cricket said.

“What?” I blinked at her.

“Yeah, I know I was maybe gonna eat with you guys, but then something came up and I was originally gonna invite the other person who I need to see but then I heard Darwin was coming so…”

When he heard his name, Darwin cut off the conversation he was having with Dane and Wendy and whipped his head around, “What? What’s going on?”

“I have to go see Rika now,” Cricket gave a shrug and a small grin.

Darwin frowned, while everyone looked on in interest.

“Who?” Wendy asked.

“The ex-girlfriend,” was the ominous answer.

“Oooooh,” everyone chorused.

“I was gonna invite her to come but decided that it would’ve been a very bad idea,” Cricket explained.

Darwin’s features darkened, “Yeah, it would’ve.”

Now would’ve been the time for me to crack a joke since it had always been my duty to make fun of his past relationship since I actually know Rika (well, not really, but more than anybody else here), but I was in bad mood, so I said nothing. And we all suffered as we all stood around in an awkward silence.

“Well!” Cricket finally said, “I should get going, sorry I mentioned that, Darwin.” She patted him on the arm as she headed towards the doors. “Thanks for putting this together Lucky! See you guys later.” And she was gone.

The rest of us dispersed, the majority opting to go to a restaurant for food, but I backed out, citing mumbled gibberish as my excuse. Darwin came with, making up some lie that he had to be home early tonight for some family related thing.

“Man,” Darwin said, “She had to mention her, didn’t she…”

I shook my head, “In the future, I guess if one of us were to go out on a date with a girl only to have her cockblock you using our friends, we could call it, ‘pulling a Lucky’ or something. Goddamn.”

“Dude, I thought I was done with her, you know? Did I tell you that she called me last night?”

“Though honestly, that’s a pretty damn good idea... don’t actually wanna go out with somebody? Grab your friends and pretend it was a group outing! They’ll never know of your malicious intentions!”

“Dude, you’re not listening to me.”

“You’re not listening to me either. In my defense though, I did hear what you were saying, I just don’t really give a shit right now.”

We both sighed.

“She probably didn’t mean it. I bet she honestly thought you were inviting her and everybody else to a movie. She said something about how this was the first time all of us were hanging out,” Darwin said. “She seemed really excited when we got here.”

‘Yeah,” I said, “I didn’t exactly say straight up that it was supposed to be just me and her. I don’t think I even said the word ‘date.’” A wry laugh escaped my lips. I knew why I didn’t mention that word. It’s such a finite word that seems to make girls skittish if they’re not the ones initiating it. On my part, it was fear of rejection, most definitely. Pretty much, instead of taking it like a man and going all in like ripping off a band-aid in one swift movement, I’m going one painful tug at a time.

“There’s still the dance,” Darwin suggested.

I thought for a moment. “That may be a possibility,” I said, remembering the extra cash I now have. “Anyway, you should stop thinking about Rika. I know that’s like, hard to do and shit, but seriously, don’t get all hung up on that, it’s done.”

“Yeah dude, I know.”

Darwin and I ended up wandering around for a while, eventually deciding that the answer to both of our problems was to drink it away. Which, honestly, could be the answer to every problem, but you know, whatever. He hasn’t drunk in a while, and he offered to buy the alcohol as long as I could get it so I couldn’t see the downside to this at all.

Except when we got to a liquor store where we were, I realized that I had cleaned and consolidated my wallet and had left my fake ID at home.

Darwin: Dude, why’d you do that? You’re the guy who finds receipts from like, six months ago in your wallet.

Me: I know. Which was why I needed to empty it… Also, in case Cricket or somebody decided to look, they wouldn’t be able to find it. I don’t really want people to know I have a fake…

Darwin: Why would she look at your wallet?

Me: Well like, Tiff’s friend had this habit of looking through it whenever she came over; some people are just nosy like that.

Darwin: True. I should probably clean out my wallet too. I still have a picture of Rika in it.

Me: What the fuck? Burn that shit! … Or give it to me. Is it a nude pic?

Darwin: What?

Me: Nothing.

We headed back to my place, still intent on our plan of getting our drink on. Except we kept getting distracted, eventually stopping off at a sporting’s good store (where we started playing foosball until we lost the ball and we scurried away. What the hell was a foosball table doing there anyway? Is that considered a sport?), a pizza place (incidentally the same one where I picked up a slice the night Cricket and I hung out), an arcade (“After playing foosball, don’t you feel like playing air hockey?” “Actually… yes…”), an elusive dessert truck (Darwin thought it was located on this one street, but it wasn’t, so we zig zagged across a couple of blocks until we found it (and even then, Darwin got all disappointed because it didn’t have the specific dessert he wanted)), and then we hung out at the park for a little bit because there was definitely an ice cream stand there. And by the fountain a group of hot girls who were definitely older than us were hanging out and laughing. And then we remembered we were supposed to be getting drunk, so we finally went back to my place.

We got there around the same time Tiff got home. “What are you guys up to?” she asked, as she watched me look for any pre-existing alcohol in the fridge. There wasn’t any so I turned around to go back to the living room to look for my ID.

“Oh nothing much,” was my casual reply, “Saw a shitty movie and wandered around. Are you gonna be here like, for the rest of the night?”

“Why, so you could drink in peace?” Tiff asked and held up the card I was looking for.

“What? No.” I made a lunge for the card, but she pulled it back in time.

“Busted,” Darwin called it from the couch.

“Give me,” I bleated, this time managing to grab the edge. “Tiff!” I whined, in full little brother mode. A tug-of-war ensued, and after two minutes of this, Tiff let go and I flew backwards into the wall.

“Whatever,” she said, “I don’t actually care as long as you don’t do anything stupid. But yeah, I’ll probably be here.”

“You could drink with us,” Darwin said. I shot him a look. I don’t mind drinking with Tiff, assuming I had nothing to talk about, not like, let’s say, today’s failed date.

“No, I’m okay, I’m taking a break from that,” Tiff laughed and retreated to her room.

“Oh yeah!” I delightfully exclaimed, “You were totally hung over from all that wine you and Linx drank. You were like, throw...”

“Shut up, Lucky! At least I didn’t blow up some guy’s car.”

“Whatever! You shut up!”

Darwin and I went to the liquor store, finally ready to put the plan into action. Rum? Check. Coke... or in our case, a liter of Pepsi? Check. We were halfway back to the apartment when Darwin received a phone call. It was his dad, and he wanted Darwin home because apparently, he wasn’t lying when he said that he had a family-related thing to attend to early tomorrow morning.

“No, Dad, I’m at Lucky’s right now. Yeah. You met him before. You’ve seen him! Dad, are you serious? We had this same conversation last time you called me when I was here! Okay. I know. Okay. Dad, you can’t just... Okay. Fine. Whatever.”

It was amusing yet kind of sad to me that they really do have this same conversation every time his dad calls when Darwin happens to be staying at my place. I’m convinced it’s because my name sounds like a stripper’s stage name. Apparently one of Darwin’s relatives lost a good deal of the family fortune because of an addiction to gambling and hookers, so I’m sure his dad’s just being extra careful.

“Gotta go?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Darwin sighed. “I still have to stop by your place; I left my jacket there.”

“Okay. Man, though, we didn’t even get one drink in.”

“That’s probably a good thing, my dad would be pissed if I came home smashed.”

“True. And one drink would’ve gotten you smashed, ha ha.”

We were still making our way up to the apartment when we ran into Tiff, on her way down.

“Where you going?” She had startled us since we didn’t hear her coming down, and we all rounded the corner at the same time.

“Out,” she said, “Decided I was gonna meet up with some friends after all. I’ll be back late, don’t do anything stupid!”

“No, you don’t do anything stupid!” I called after her.

“Huh, she seemed to be in a rush,” Darwin remarked.

“Going down the stairs is easier and faster than going up,” I pointed out.

So, Darwin left, and I ended up being alone. Even the cat was gone, no doubt let back into Linx’s because it needed to be fed. A very short amount of time passed before I got bored.

Like, really bored.

And it was at that strange hour where it was too early to call it a night, but a little too late to try to think of something constructive to do. But I realized the perfect time for something destructive. This was around the same time when I remembered the word I was trying to think of earlier.

“Undate. That’s totally the word,” I said out loud to my empty kitchen. I actually wasn’t sure if that was the right word exactly, but it felt like it could be. To undate somebody would be somehow making the date not a date, which was exactly what Cricket did, unknowingly or not. It’s like, almost worse than straight rejection because there’s a possibility it was just an innocent mistake. Or a passive-aggressive gesture to show that I never had the chance of ever being considered as anything more than a friend.

And that’s when I decided I would try to see what it was like to drink alone.

I didn’t want to open the soda since it was essentially Darwin’s and the next time he’d be over it would definitely be flat, so I decided instead to break into Linx’s (that guy is never home on a Friday night) who almost always already had an open bottle of some sort of carbonated drink or juice. And then while I’m there, maybe I’ll grab the cat for some company and another video game or a movie or something.

My new plan in motion, I grabbed a cup, grabbed the rum, and meandered over to Linx’s. His door has always locked automatically, not like our crappy door, and it gets annoying because he’s somebody who would probably forget to lock it, which would make my life infinitely easier. Upon entering, I saw that the light was on which perfectly illuminated the figure draped across the couch.

A female figure I recognized immediately.

What. The. Fuck.

---

Chapter 42

Eyeball Inquiries

---

My initial reaction was to almost drop the rum and my cup, the second was to yell/stutter some expletives. I did both simultaneously. “Holy... What?!’ It was almost as if I couldn’t decide on the correct thing to shout, so I kept cutting myself off. Which is, I think, way better than mashing words two words that mean the same thing and ending up with some nonsense gibberish (for example, confusion over whether or not which of the words ‘good’ or ‘great’ would be more appropriate would form the word, ‘grood.’ And that’s one of the few that can be somewhat okay. “Cawesome’ has been used in a mash up between ‘cool’ and ‘awesome.’).

The figure on the couch quickly straightened up in surprise as well. She was speechless, and I recovered first.

“Celeste? What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I, uh, I could ask the same for you!” she said with a laugh, trying to cover her utter confusion with a wide smile.

If I already didn’t have a terrible enough day already, I would say that this would’ve been such a huge blow to my innards (had they not already been trodden upon and dropped into oblivion), but by now I was more or less accepting of whatever was handed to me. Or so I tried to tell myself.

“Do you remember who I am?” I slowly asked her.

“Of course!” Celeste exclaimed, looking more panicked by the second, “Of course!” Luckily for her, it finally dawned (her eyes widening and her mouth dropping open and everything... she obviously had no control over her facial features) and she sprang up from the couch and hopped over the coffee table, her arms wide open, “You’re Lucky! My little hero! How I could ever think I could ever forget you?” She lunged and enveloped me into a tight hug.

“Well, being that you just, totally did… Right then… Before… when I…” I trailed off as the hug progressed. I have to admit, it was very nice. I think I needed one of these. Though I still think I need some rum, which I was still holding.

Celeste let go of me and pushed me back to an arm’s length, gripping my shoulders, “Wow! So, like, what are you doing here?”

“Uh, I uh, kinda live next door?”

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, why else would Linx... I mean, Chester and I hang out sometimes?” I had a distinct memory of us telling her this, even through that drunken haze I was in at the time. Another small disappointment of the day, I suppose, though, honestly, I have no right to complain about people not remembering little details about my life when I don’t have the capacity to care for other people’s. “Where is he, by the way?”

Celeste frowned, “I think he went to the bathroom, like, a long time ago. I think he wasn’t feeling good. Oh man, it seemed like I was just sitting on the couch for two seconds, but it might’ve been like, twenty minutes, I don’t know.” She laughed in a bashful manner and placed her hands over her heart, “Oh wow, it’s like, I have no concept of time right now, you know what I mean?”

I just realized I was standing in Linx’s place and Celeste was here. This was a very strange and peculiar situation, mostly because it was a concept that I never thought was ever conceivable in my apparently useless imagination (first and foremost, when or if I imagined Celeste to even be within this apartment building, I usually pictured it in one of my frequented areas. Like my bed. Or walking down the street as I creepily watched her from my window. Mind you, this was before that We-Smoked-Weed-and-Almost-Got-a-BJ-but-then-the-Boyfriend-Came-Back-and-I-Got-Kicked-Out incident). Was it not him who warned me that she was crazy on a stick and therefore one to avoid? That fucking hypocrite... what really was going on here?

“Have you checked on him or anything?” I asked her, placing my drink and my cup on the coffee table.

She shrugged, “No, he said he was okay.”

Are you kidding me? “When was this?”

Celeste thought for a moment. “It could’ve been a while, but remember? My sense of time is all messed up.”

“I’ll check on him, you stay here,” I said and went over to attack the bathroom door with a flurry of knuckle jabs. “Linx!” I bellowed, “Are you dead?” When I didn’t receive an answer immediately, I pulled up on the door itself and pushed, which was something I figured out one day during this past summer, when I was trying to get back at him for some prior prank (actually, I was sorta the one who broke the lock on his door, since I decided that my act of vengeance would be to do a surprise break in on Linx (or his friend Jin) while they were on the shitter and take a picture to document their reaction but… that didn’t really end that well) and stumbled into the bathroom.

Linx was leaning forward over his sink, his forehead propped against his mirror, his arms propping himself up.

I almost wanted him to be lying in a pile of his own puke just to make this worthwhile. Now I just felt stupid and that the little sliver of worry (and the possibility of being a hero of some sort) evaporated with a disappointed farting noise (in my head), and was replaced with annoyance. “What the fuck, you’re a pretentious sink vomiter like Tiff?”

“No,” he mumbled, “What? No. I didn’t even throw up.”

“… Are you okay?”

“No.”

This, I have to say, is a first. I took a glance outside the door and saw Celeste peering over the back of the couch, “Is Chester okay?” she called.

“He’s fine,” I answered back, glanced at Linx, looked back at Celeste, and then turned back to Linx. I shoved him aside so I could close the door behind me. I’ve had enough of my own lollygagging so at least I’ll just cut straight to the point with one thing today. “Yo, what the fuck is she doing here?” I hissed. “I thought you told me that she was like, fucked up and shit. Were you only saying that because you didn’t think someone like me could handle her? Weren’t you saying that shit because you said you’d stay away from girls like her too?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Linx sighed, turning on the faucet to splash water in his face.

I didn’t say anything since I didn’t really know what I was referring to, but I did know I was bothered by something about this situation.

Linx toweled his face and mumbled into it, “I fucked up.”

I opened my mouth to inquire, but he continued.

“Don’t even ask.” He very neatly folded the towel and hung it back onto the rack.

Outside, Celeste let out a squeal, “Kitty! Come here, kitty!”

I stood there for a moment more. Despite his outright statement to not ask him, I couldn’t help it. “Did you fuck her?” I hissed in a near whisper.

“No, absolutely not,” Linx snapped back with the sort of conviction in which one could tell he was not lying and that, if anything, the accusation insulted him somehow.

“Oh,” I said, “Okay then. Can I get some orange juice?”

“What?”

“Orange juice. Can I get some?” Maybe I’ll get drunk and sit at Linx’s kitchen table and watch the interaction between him and Celeste. Linx is visibly irritated and Celeste will probably always be messed up; when it comes to girls, Linx will usually play the charming, boyish character, and even when he didn’t care he’d act interested. Except when he’s already pissed, like he is now. As for Celeste, who knows what he plan of action is? She has yet to not surprise me so I want to be ready for this episode’s what-the-fuckery.

“I don’t have any more orange juice,” Linx said.

WHAT. The pain in my gut that I felt from being denied, from yet another pleasure of my life, almost hurt more than the realization that my first real date was an undate. My life just about ended here, my raison d’etre compromised. Sweet, sweet death is all that awaited me. “No,” I gasped in a dramatic fashion. “Nooooooo!”

In the other room, Celeste cooed in a baby voice, “Kitty, kitty, you so fuzzy!”

Linx closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. “Lucky, can you do me a huge favor?”

“Hell no,” I said, already going for the door. Linx’s arm shot out lightning fast and grabbed the back of my shirt, yanked hard and then shoved me bodily into the counter. “Okay, now I’m really not gonna do it,” I wheezed into the sink.

“Get her out of here,” he said, and shoved his keys into my hand.

“Like ‘here’ as in the general vicinity of your home?” I had an image of us trying to lure her out of the apartment... me sashaying out the door in my school uniform and Linx waiting for the second she walked out to slam the door behind her and then audibly lock it. The cat may just have to be made a martyr.

Linx sighed, “I meant take her home.”

“Me?”

“No, the dumbass behind you. What do you think? Stupid.”

“By myself?” I can see that one ending badly too. I don’t know how since I wasn’t feeling very creative at the moment, but I’m pretty sure Murphy’s Law liked to look at me for ideas (for the unaware, Murphy’s Law states that, ‘everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.’ It cites me as an example.). Anything from the car ending up a giant, roaring ball of fire, wreckage and whatever’s left of me (bones?) to being three states over, high as a kite on whatever drug Celeste had on her... anything was game. Even if I did attempt to keep it straight and just took her straight back to her place, I would no doubt get jumped by her male friend person, who would most likely be waiting outside with a crowbar/baseball bat/golf club/rabid squirrels in cages to create a masterpiece of my face.

I did not like those chances.

“Linx, can you come with too?” I all but begged. Funny how mere weeks ago, I would’ve killed to have Celeste in a car, alone. But since Linx was the one who verbalized the whole, ‘she’s a psycho’ thing, he had no one to blame for my plea but himself.

He made a face, probably thinking about this combination: me, his car and Celeste made a very deadly equation, even if we took out the part where she’s crazy (she’s still hot... and besides, all girls are insane in some way). “Alright, fine, you have to drive since I’m still drunk, so get out of here first because I actually need to take a piss.”

Shoved out the door, I made my way back to the couch where Celeste was attempting to hold Mr. Fluffy. The fat orange cat was trying its hardest to slink away from her grip, but to no avail.

“Is this Chester’s cat? So pretty!” Celeste cooed.

“Not really,” I said, remember all of the times it liked to wake me up so my nose was mere millimeters away from its anus. And then it would try to sit on my face. And let us not remember the time it pissed on my bed.

“So, what are you up to?” Celeste asked me, between her attempts to calm the struggling feline. Finally, it wrenched itself free, landed with a loud thud on its side (embarrassing excuse for a cat) and very quickly skittered away, taking refuge in Linx’s room.

“Nothing much…” I said, “You?”

She shrugged and gave me a charming yet vapid smile. I can tell she didn’t really want me here. “Visiting a friend,” she said, “And now you! So good to see you.”

“Yeah. So you and uh, Chester are friends now?”

“Well I ran into him at a bar, and we just hit it off. I think that makes us friends.” She smiled again, and I knew that she was no longer interested in me, though I do wonder if she was at all during that strange past incident. I also wonder if that would change if I put on my school uniform. Have my tie a little loose, the top of my shirt unbuttoned, the rest of it half haphazardly tucked into my pants as if I was in a rush to get to class… I bet that shit would turn her on.

After a moment of silence, I ventured to ask, “So, uh, how is everything with you?”

“Oh good!” Celeste gushed, “Things are good! I broke up with Darrel, my now ex-boyfriend, but we’re still friends so he’s letting me stay at his apartment while I look for someplace else. It’s probably better that I get out of there sooner, do you know what I mean?”

“Uh, sure.”

“Lucky wants to get some food, let’s go,” Linx announced, making a quick beeline from the bathroom to around the couch to the door, “Celeste, c’mon.”

“Okay! Do I need to bring anything? Can I leave my purse...”

“Bring everything,” Linx quickly added. “You have my keys, right?” he said to me.

I held them up and walked past him, Celeste giggling behind me as Linx ushered her out the door.

* * *

On a scale from one to drunk, I knew that Linx was somewhere around ‘kinda drunk and coming down.’ I could tell the second I found him staring hazily somewhere beyond his mirror. He was rather vocal about it, announcing it in the bathroom, and then saying, ‘Man, I’m still drunk,’ after bumping into his own doorway as he shut the door behind him, stumbling down the last three steps of the stairs, ‘These steps go on forever when you’re drunk,’ he said, and also when he slid into the passenger seat of his car, saying, ‘Just because I’m drunk doesn’t mean I can’t tell when you’re driving like shit.’

Celeste, on the other hand, I didn’t realize was (still) wasted until we were well on our way down our four flights of stairs, when she missed a step and with a loud shriek, nearly fell until Linx caught her. And then she began to laugh uncontrollably. Linx, though in a bad mood, gradually found it somehow hilarious and joined in with the raucous laughter as they both collapsed and lay on the steps.

I, however, was stuck staring up in horror, my eyes so wide that whoever that guy was way back when who said to not shoot until you saw the whites of the enemy’s eyes would’ve had his men attack me from well over a mile away. Why? Because I was standing below her, far enough so that if she had fallen, she would’ve taken me out with her, her pointy heels probably lodging themselves somewhere between my nostril and eye socket. Maybe through my cheek. And somehow, she would’ve ended up kneeing me in the balls again, a memory that still causes me to subconsciously cover my crotch with my hands to this day.

Nevertheless, I had to pat myself on the back as that having Linx come is the one thing saving my life. Take THAT fate!

We ended up at a diner somewhat near where Celeste lived, at least from what I can remember. Sitting there, I felt removed from reality as one of those Now how did I get here? Moments crept up on me.

Celeste would say something, a comment about some small matter which made the conversation barely above small talk or mention somebody that Linx and her probably both knew, while Linx would shrug or answer with one-syllable words, having clearly rescinded back to his pissy mood. I watched this as if one would watch a tennis match. I was thankful when the food arrived.

After a complete and thorough breakfast (and orange juice! Yes! Fucking finally!) for me and Linx (Celeste only had a coffee), she searched through her purse and pulled out a carton of cigarettes and offered one to Linx.

“No, I’m good,” he said, wiping the yolk left on his plate with a piece of toast.

She frowned, “I thought you smoked. You did with me outside the bar.”

“Only when I drink.”

A smile flitted onto Celeste’s lips as she played with the single cigarette between her fingers, “Do you want to step outside with me anyway?”

“Nope, I’m good,” he said again. “Do you need to borrow my lighter though?”

“I have my own,” she said while biting her lip, and lingered a moment more before excusing herself.

I watched her leave and as soon as she was out of earshot, I turned back around.

Me: Damn, that was harsh!

Him: What?

Me: She totally wants you. And you’re all like, ‘Nope.’

Him: (shrug) Not interested.

Me: Yeah, I can see that. But wait, what do you mean, like, not interested at all? She’s hot.

Him: She’s crazy, didn’t we talk about this? Look at her again; the crazy is strong in this one my friend, the crazy is strong in this one.

Me: (pause) So let’s say, theoretically, she offers to do stuff with you. Would you do it?

Him: … Do what?

Me: You know. Stuff. Like… give head. And sex.

Him: That would have to completely depend on the situation and what’s going on with my life at the moment. (pause) And hers, I guess.

Me: What? That doesn’t answer my question at all.

Him: Whatever.

Me: So, like, let’s say one day, theoretically, she came up to me and asked you if you wanted a blowjob. Yes or no?

Him: … Are you trying to say that this happened to you? Or was this some sort of dream you had or something?

Me: I said theoretically if something like that ever happen to you, would you do it?

Him: Hmm, this is a very specific theoretical event you’re talking about here. Where did this come from?

Me: Okay, fine, let’s make it broader then. So let’s say that-

Him: What’s with all these questions, little man?

Me: Nothing, I’m just saying-

Him: …

Me: Okay, fine, reality: I met up with Celeste one day for coffee-

Him: Don’t you not like coffee?

Me: That’s aside the point. So anyway, I met up with her, and we hung out, and then we went back to her place, smoked a huge blunt, and then she offers to blow me.

Him: (insert loud derisive laughter here along with a slap on the table) Ha! No way!

Me: I’m serious!

Him: (continuous laughter) No fucking way. That’s such bullshit, Lucky. Ha! You wish! Look at you and your little teenage fantasies-

Me: Yo, I am so fucking not-

Here Linx cut me off with a swift kick to my shins and a moment later, Celeste glided back into her seat, the smell and haze of smoke flowing in after her. In my chair, I twitched in pain.

“So, are we going back to your place after this?” she asked as the bill arrived.

Linx didn’t answer for a moment as he looked at the check, “No,” was his faint reply, “Lucky, do you have any singles?”

With a sigh I looked through my wallet. “Like, four.”

“You mind putting that down for the tip? I got you on the rest.”

“Fucking sweet, thanks man,” I slipped the singles under my glass of water.

“Wait, so what are you up to then?” Celeste asked. I noticed she hadn’t taken out any cash, so I assumed Linx was just going to treat her as well. Oh, the perks to being a woman.

Linx shrugged, “Do you need a ride back to your place? Or do you live around here?”

Celeste’s mouth formed an ‘O.’ “Um,” she finally said, “I live pretty close to here, I guess. I think I’ll be okay.”

“You sure?” Linx asked her as we made our way out of the diner.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fine.” She suddenly sounded tired.

“Good to see you again,” Linx politely added.

Celeste began to walk away, “Oh yeah, of course, and you too Lucky, so good to see you! We should go out for coffee again or something.”

“Sure.”

We carried on for a while with our goodbyes and whatnot, with some more, ‘Be safe!’ and ‘Good night!’ thrown in there for an extra measure as Celeste kept walking away. All in all, not as awkward as it could’ve been.

“Ugh, I’m so tired now. Driver, take us home!”

I unlocked the car and slid in. “Oh, shut up,” I said.

The ride home was uneventful, as was the rest of the night. I ended up staying up even later as I was uncomfortably full ever since the grease and heavy food settled into my stomach. I was watching a Hitchcock movie when Tiff walked in.

“You’re still up?” she asked.

“What about you? You’re still up?” It was almost five in the morning. By now it was understood that out of the two of us, it was usually me who came in later in various mental states. It was something that I knew Tiff didn’t like or even approve of since it probably meant that whatever shenanigans I was involved in that night were more ridiculous than the usual, but also because it probably made her feel like some old, responsible fart. Two or three in the morning was considered extreme for her.

“I can smell the alcohol on you from here,” I observed. What the fuck, did everybody go out and have a jolly good drunken time, the one time I really wanted to (though drinking alone is really pathetic).

“I thought you were gonna drink tonight?”

“No, Darwin had to go home.”

“Sucks for you,” she said, “I’m going to bed.”

Sunday morning passed gracefully into Sunday afternoon, which then, as predicted, continued on to Sunday night. The only thing different from my usual lazy Sundays was that I had accidentally picked up the phone when Tomo called. Not recognizing the number, I had picked up, thinking that maybe it was Tiff since she was gone by the time I had woken up, and I had tried to call her earlier only to hear her phone ringing in the kitchen. And then Tomo talked and talked and talked, and somewhere out there was a poor boy whose only desire in life was to one day converse with the opposite sex or at least listen to the beautiful, titillating voice of a young woman. That boy was not me, and that voice did not belong to Tomo.

Anyway, Monday finally rolled around, and I was completely unprepared for it despite the fact that this happens every week. Trudging into homeroom, Darwin waited for me to collapse into my seat before he sauntered over.

“Dude,” he said, “the dance is this Friday.”

I looked at him. “So? Your point?” I looked behind him to see if Wendy was holding a gun to his head, therefore forcing him to announce this to everybody he comes across.

He lowered his voice, “So?’ Dude! You have to ask Cricket to the dance like… today.”

“What do you mean ‘today?’ And who even said that I was going?”

“The plan, dude! The plan!”

“What is this ‘plan’ that you speak of?”

“The plan...” Darwin cut himself off before doing one of those suspicious glances over both of his shoulders before lowering his voice even further. I had to lean in to hear him. “Remember the plan we talked about? The one where you ask Cricket to the dance and that way you guys can go as friends first and then it’ll be easier for you guys to keep hanging out and then eventually you’ll just end up being together naturally? Dude, c’mon!”

“Oh, that plan.”

“Just do it!” Darwin hissed.

“Wait, today?”

“Yes, today. You should’ve asked her like, last week so she would’ve had the weekend to get herself a dress or something to wear or something because girls do that, but the sooner you ask her the better. Also, who knows, maybe someone asked her already. The longer you wait, the worse your chances are.”

I was still fixated on one aspect of this so-called ‘plan.’ “Today?” I repeated.

Darwin gave me a steady look and leaned back. “Dude.”

“Yo, wait, I need to prepare for this shit,” I said. My mind was going into overdrive, already cutting out certain times when it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to ask her, several possible scenarios popping up in my head about the small periods of time when I could.

Darwin stood up to go back to his own seat. “Prepare for what?”

“Nothing,” I said. “I mean, yeah, today. I’ll ask her today.”

“Or else,” he said in a menacing manner.

“Or else what? What kind of threat is that?”

He rolled his eyes and went back to his desk as the homeroom teacher walked in.

After a zombie-like first period, I tripped Darwin to give him an excuse to not talk to the cute girl he was walking with.

“Dude, what the hell?” he glared at me as the girl walked on, oblivious that Darwin was no longer beside her as the sea of students swept around us.

The main reason why I was completely inattentive during the first period of the day wasn’t simply because it was just the first period of the day, but because I was actually thinking. I managed to avoid this particular topic in my own head through sheer ignorance and, dare I say it, optimism, but it was time I approached this head on. “Question: who’s going? And did you or anybody else already ask people to go?”

“What?”

“The dance. I’m talking about the dance.”

“Whoa dude, you’re actually gonna follow through?”

“The fuck, man, what do... Answer the Goddamn questions!”

“Uh, I didn’t ask anybody yet, and I think Dane, Kyo and Wendy have to go by default, probably not even with dates since Wendy’s been nagging them for help so I don’t even think they’ll get to even have fun when they go. Simon’s gonna go because everybody else is gonna go and in the end, we’re all gonna end up there, which is what usually happens. Except this time, you’re coming.”

“Hmm, I see. How serious do people take the whole ‘date’ thing?”

“I haven’t brought a date the last couple of times because of Rika, but random people end up tagging along. Or friend dates, like, for a while Dane and Wendy always went to things together.”

“Hmm,” I said, and veered off towards my locker.

“Um, thanks?” Darwin called as he continued with the flow.