April Fools: Dick Swap - A Gender-Bending Battle of the Sexes

Wednesday, March 27th, 2027. 10:33pm

#LifeOfBoomer

Lying in bed and glaring at Maria from behind. We’re fighting. Not a rare occurrence… not rare enough. We’ve been married long enough for the sheen to rub off. I still love her, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a few knockout, dragout brawls. Like the one we’re currently engaged in.

Maria takes her pillow with her when she flops away from me and buries her head with a huff. I can see in the mirror she’s squeezing her eyes shut, like it’s going to speed up sleep. Her curly brown hair obscures her face for the most part, but she doesn’t do jack about it.

“You’re going to have to deal with it, Boomer. I am NOT in the mood.”

I frown, slap my hand down on her shoulder, and roll her back toward me, forceful.

“This is bullshit, Maria,” I growl. She can see the aggravation in my eyes. “I don’t expect you to make love to me every time I’m in the mood. That would be selfish. Unreasonable. But this is the fourth night in a row I’ve had a raging hard on while you’re sleeping, and you won’t take care of me. Bullshit.”

“Don’t touch me, Boomer!” She says, venomous. “You had your fun. You love to fuck with me, so don’t be surprised when you find out. I want to go to sleep, so leave me alone.”

“I call horse shit! You don’t have to work tomorrow, so saying you have to get to sleep is crap. It’s about the dishes, isn’t it? I told you I would do them. You didn’t have to do them.”

Maria’s lips climb into a shit-eating grin. “I didn’t say a word about the dishes. If you’re feeling guilty, that’s your own problem. I’m not going to explain everything to you like you’re an ignorant child. You love making me mad. So be it, but I’m done with your shit.”

I fall silent for a moment, racking my brain, until the light bulb goes off.

“Are you mad about me pranking you? Are you kidding? That was an April Fools joke; it was harmless. There’s no way you’re still pissed about that. I didn’t even wipe shit on you!”

I search her expression to see if I have the right answer, but there’s no indication either way.

“It’s not even April Fools yet,” she growls, distaste in her tone. “You can’t just pull a prank and call it an April Fools joke. You got shit on my hand, Boomer. I almost threw up; you know I have anxiety. I almost had a panic attack.”

“April Fools is tomorrow. I was only a couple hours early.” I sigh. “I knew I wouldn’t get you on April Fools. You’re too vigilant on holidays… so I did it a little early. Big deal.”

“I was trying to help you. You asked me for toilet paper, then you smear your stinky shit on me when I give it to you? You screwed me over when I was trying to help you. That’s so screwed up!”

“But I had to make you think—”

“And you FARTED before I came in, so the room smelled like shit! I was convinced you shit on me.”

There is a fury in her voice that doesn’t match the harmlessness of my prank. She’s mad about something else, apparently. The prank was benign and hilarious. I don’t get it.

“The fart was a lucky coincidence!” I find it hard to stifle a laugh at the mental image of her gagging on the slimy, chocolate “shit” smeared on her wrist. Funny as hell.

My timing was off, though, I’ll admit. She’d just done the dishes, so she was pissed off when I pranked her. I can’t help that.

“You’re a selfish, narcissistic pig! You love to joke around and do your thing. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. I need you to do more around here. Pull your weight and stop messing around when I’m trying to be serious.”

I feel the anger welling up in me again. “That is a compelling argument, no doubt, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is the fourth goddamn time in a row you’ve come up with an excuse not to fuck me. Sex is a healthy part of any relationship. I’m not a cheater, so you can be sure I’m not getting pussy anywhere but home. Which is fine by me. But if you’re the gatekeeper on my pussy, I need you to cough it up on demand.”

Maria glares. “So?”

“So I don’t need you to get all d