AWLL 2 - Book 7 - Sakurako

August 18, 1993, Ellwood City, Pennsylvania

I stood in stunned silence, not sure how I could, or should, respond to Michelle's request to take her home. A million thoughts ran through my mind. Was she serious? Was she thinking of leaving? Had she decided to leave? Was she being ASKED to leave? What did she mean by home? Did she mean my home? The mind boggled.

And then it went blank, short-circuiting completely, unable to process anything. Even my autonomous functions seemed to cease -- breathing, heartbeat, the works. I felt dizzy, sagged into the chair, and forced myself to take a breath. That seemed to restart my systems, at least enough to not pass out. After a second forced breath, I regained enough control of my conscious mind to speak. Or so I thought.

"I...uhm...well...uhm...you have to explain, please."

"That's the first time I've ever seen you tongue-tied," she said softly.

I nodded and took a couple of breaths, allowing the shock to work its way through my system, and my thought processes to begin anew. Hopefully without another short-circuit.

"What's going on?" I asked, regaining at least a semblance of clear thinking.

"I want you to take me home with you. Today."

"Why?"

"Would you pray with me before I answer?"

I nodded, and we recited the Jesus Prayer together.

'Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'

"I don't belong here," Michelle said after we completed the prayer. "I belong with you."

My body threatened to betray me once again. I was afraid I'd completely short circuit and the next thing I'd see would be the inside of a hospital trauma room. I gripped the arms of the chair and willed my body to return to normal. I forced several shallow breaths, and then a deeper one. I knew by all rights I should have passed out. I was fighting a bout of syncope and, so far, I was winning. But I wasn't sure I'd be able to stave it off.

"Are you OK?" she asked.

I shook my head slowly, "I have a problem with syncope -- fainting spells -- when I receive shocking or surprising news. I think this qualifies as shocking."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you ill."

"You didn't," I said trying to reassure her. "This is just how my body works. It kind of short-circuits at times. It hasn't happened in close to two years."

"I'm sorry," Michelle said, sounding sad. "Will you take me home?"

"Would you sit so we can talk, please?"

Michelle nodded and sat in a chair that faced mine.

"It's really a long story," she sighed. "But in the end, I can't stay here. I've talked to Mother Christophora at length. She's not sending me away, but she agrees that it's probably best for me to go."

"Why?" I asked, both knowing and fearing the answer.

"I'm in love with you; I've always been in love with you; I'll always be in love you."

"And that prevents you from heeding your calling?"

Michelle smiled, "I no longer believe it's my calling. In fact, I don't think it ever was. It was me trying to escape the world for my own reasons, not because I had a calling. It seemed to me the perfect refuge, but I discovered I can't hide from myself."

"That's very much the case," I agreed. "Do we have a time limit to talk here?"

"No."

I wanted to take her for a walk in the gardens, but in the monastic garb, that was impossible without giving offense or causing scandal. It would be a serious violation of protocol, despite her being only a novice.

"Tell me the story, please."

"Well, you know it up to the point where you put me on the plane. When I arrived, I put on the cassock and scarf. My previous visit had been sufficient to convince Mother that I was a possible candidate. We had lengthy talks the first few days, and then she gave me a rule about silence. I didn't speak, except in confession or to the bishop when he visited and spoke to me first, for three months. When he was here, I spoke fewer than ten words.

"Those three months were, perhaps, the most amazing time of my life. I had only myself and God to communicate with. Rather than drive me crazy, it gave me near total peace. I didn't have to worry about anything other than saying my prayers silently, doing whatever tasks were assigned to me, attending daily services, and reading the Bible.

"At the end of those three months, I was given a rule that allowed me to speak when spoken to. From that point, I began to truly integrate into the life here. But always, nagging in the back of my mind was doubt. Do you remember the Princess Bride?"

I nodded, "Yes."

"Then you remember that when Westley said 'As you wish.' to Buttercup, he was saying 'I love you.' Well, every time I wrote 'Please pray for me. I will pray for you.' I was writing 'I love you'. And when you wrote back, I read your words that way. And I knew you meant it. But for you, it was «agápē» love. I think I know what that means now. But I think I discovered something else -- the linkage between «agápē», «érōs», and «philia».

"You see, when you told me about them, I felt there was something missing. It was while I was working in silence here that I figured it out. And that is how you love Kara and Jessica. It's all three. Yes, you've made a decision, but it's all three that keep you together with them. And I feel all of those for you, and I believe you do for me, as well. In fact, I'm quite sure of it."

She was sure. Right now I couldn't be sure of a damned, well, 'blessed', given the place I was sitting, thing. But she also didn't know about Jessica. I wondered if that would change her thinking, and if it did, HOW would it change her thinking? The mind boggled. Fortunately, this time, I didn't short-circuit. I paid attention to my breathing and kept myself in touch with the world around me.

"Some things have changed," I said softly. "Jessica left us. I've called it a temporary separation, but I don't know if she's ever coming back."

"What?!" Michelle gasped. "Why?"

I shook my head, "I wish I really knew. She's had some serious problems in her life, and she seems to have decided the best approach is a..."

Then it hit me. With the exception of Jorge, Jessica was living a near-monastic life. My head spun. What was I missing? What was the linkage? Something was there to be grasped. What? I didn't know, but I was sure my subconscious would work through it and an answer would float to the surface.

"Steve?" Michelle said gently, snapping me back to the here and now.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about a weird parallel. There's something there, but I can't figure it out. Please don't ask right now. Go on with your story."

"Once I had made that linkage in my mind, I did my best to try to suppress my feelings. Mother did her best to help me, as did the priest in confession, and the other nuns. I'm not the only one struggling with attachment to the outside world. For others, it's different things. For me, it was you."

"Because of what happened in Chicago?" I asked.

Michelle smiled, "Even if that had never happened. We were intimate long before you came to my bed. I was in love with you long before that. Long before the assault. Do you know when it started?"

"No, but I'll guess. The Rap Session."

She giggled, "Yes, but not THAT one! The day I held your hand in the sauna was when I knew. But it started the very first time I met you at the very first Rap Session I attended the previous Fall."

"You're sure it wasn't a crush?" I asked gently.

"Maybe at first. But then I got to know you. To REALLY know you. And you got to know me. And then we KNEW each other!"

"Yes."

"Anyway, through all the prayers, services, Bible reading, silence, and eventually, talking, one truth kept coming to the forefront. And that was that I loved you. And I decided, finally, to stop running away from my fears. To stop running away from the world. To stop running away from myself. To stop running away from you."

"But my circumstances..."

Michelle smiled, "Behold, your handmaiden. Do with me what you will!"

I laughed. I couldn't help it. And by the look in her eyes, I knew that's what she intended.

"That's the ONE thing I CAN'T do for you," I chuckled. "Unless it happens the same way it did 2000 years ago!"

"I'm glad you can still laugh at my silly jokes."

"Does the Abbess know I'm married?" I asked.

Michelle shook her head, "I never revealed that to her, or about your children, or anything else about you. This was about me, and had to be about me. It was never about you."

"So when I take you home, then what?"

"I called the University, and I can still enroll in classes. I have a week or so to decide. And I can always wait a quarter if I want to without any trouble."

"And the scholarship?"

"Would still be valid. But I'm not sure what I want to do, so I would take the core requirements, then figure it out."

"Is that what you WANT?" I asked.

She shook her head, "No. You know what I want! And wipe that silly grin off your face, please! This is a place of God!"

I did my best to compose myself, but it wasn't easy.

"According to Orthodoxy," I said carefully, "every place is a place of God. That's why some Russians hang black cloths over the icons in their bedrooms before they have marital relations!"

"No way!" she gasped.

"It's really a superstition, rather than a proper Orthodox practice, but some certainly do."

"So, will you take me home?"

"Yes. And that's where we'll start."

"Thank you. I'd hug and kiss you, but..."

"Not in those vestments!" I said a bit more sharply than I should have.

Michelle smiled and nodded, "Correct. Let me go to talk to Mother. She knew what I was going to ask you. You could go walk in the garden. It's probably going to be at least an hour."

I smiled, and Michelle left the room. I walked out and saw a sign for the chapel and decided to go there, at least at first. I walked into the icon-covered nave, made the proper metania and kissed the icon of the Venerable John of Rila, which was on the stand. I stepped further in and closed my eyes, allowing the strong scent of incense to fill my nostrils.

As I stood there, I thought about what Michelle had said about running away from the world, from herself, and from me. Was THAT what Jessica was doing? I remembered what Jorge had said -- I think she's so afraid she's screwed up badly with you, with Kara, that she's retreated into her inner sanctum. Was that it? Was the entire point of my trip to the monastery to show me that simple truth? Was THAT Michelle's true role in my life? To help me get Jessica back?

If Jorge was right, then it changed the picture I had, and it might change the picture Kara had as well. But it didn't do anything to get Jessica back. And, as had been pointed out to me in the past, identifying the true problem was the first step to solving it. I'd need to talk to Jorge again, and this time actually listen to what the man said!

So many times Jorge had provided good counsel, and I had usually listened. In this case, I had fixated on one solution to the problems and discarded all others. In a way, that was similar to uncritically accepting someone else's view. Or my own views. I needed to re-evaluate everything in light of what Michelle had said and what Jorge had said.

I was lost in my thoughts when I felt a presence. I looked over and saw a family -- husband, wife, two kids -- come into the nave and stand quietly. That was sufficient to disturb my thoughts, so I said the Jesus Prayer, kissed the icon, performed a metania, and left the chapel. I walked outside into the garden and found a small, shaded bench in a secluded corner.

My life had just become far more complicated. I was tempted to go to the car and get my cell phone, but I was positive there was no service here. Even had there been, this seemed to be a decision I had to make and a situation I had to deal with. Yes, it would affect Kara; yes, it would somewhat disrupt the household; yes, it created all kinds of potential issues. But if she was going to leave the monastery, it made sense to return to the place she'd left when she'd decided to become a novice nun.

It seemed very clear from our brief conversation so far what Michelle wanted from me. I had to figure out what I could reasonably give her, and then what I WANTED to give her. And avoid making Kara unhappy. The one thing I had to make sure I did was control my «érōs» feelings for Michelle, which were sure to return, escaping from the area in my mind to which I'd banished them. But that was a problem for tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the one after that.

The problem for today was taking Michelle home. I needed to call Barney and get her a ticket. The flights usually weren't full, but if they were, then we'd probably have to stay the night. And that meant two hotel rooms for sure, as I was not going to take any risks. The next question was whether to call home and tell them, or simply show up with Michelle. I saw the benefits of both approaches, and as I thought about it, the best approach was to simply show up with her.

If I called, Kara would ask questions for which I didn't yet have answers, and would likely worry until we arrived home and the two of us could talk. If we simply showed up unannounced, it would be a shock, but I'd have all the time I needed to talk to Kara, and, more importantly, have more time to talk to Michelle and more time to think things through myself.

I closed my eyes, and simply relaxed and tried to clear my mind. I wasn't going to solve the problems today, and until I had a long talk with Michelle -- actually, more likely, several long talks -- I wasn't going to be able to figure anything out. The same was true for Kara. I pushed all of that out of my mind, and simply focused on the beauty and quiet of the garden. Eventually, the image burned into my mind, I closed my eyes to continue in deep thought.

My deep thought was interrupted some time later by a soft voice.

"Stephen?"

I opened my eyes and saw the Abbess. I stood.

"Yes, Mother?"

"She's ready. Please don't blame yourself for her decision. She made her decision to come here; a decision not made lightly. Her decision to leave was equally difficult for her."

"I'll do my best to care for her," I said.

"Listen to your heart; listen to her heart. Let the Lord guide you both. Do you attend the Divine Services?"

"Not regularly," I said. "I have certain impediments to being received which I've discussed with Vladyka ALYPY. My son, Jesse, was received at Pascha."

"You have a son? Are you married to his mother?"

"No, Mother, I'm not. But I'm involved in his life every day."

She nodded, "I see. I hope, perhaps, whatever your impediment is, can be overcome."

I had no idea if that were possible. In the past, I'd have simply said it wasn't. But if Jessica stayed away, then perhaps it was. And the Abbess didn't 'see'. Not at all. But I'd learned from Father Basil not to give offense when it wasn't necessary. I'd conveyed sufficient information to the Abbess for her to understand what the impediments might be.

"That is what the bishop and the parish priest say as well," I said. "What do I need to do?"

"She'll come find you once she's dressed in her regular clothes. At that point, you may simply leave, or you may stay for as long as you like. You know the rules?"

I nodded, "I do."

Even married couples were not to show physical affection on the monastery grounds, and I'd honor those rules. I was sure that Michelle would. I held out my hands for a blessing, which the Abbess gave, and when she walked away, I sat down to wait. About fifteen minutes later, Michelle came out wearing the same plain grey skirt and white blouse she'd worn when she left Chicago the previous September.

"Ready to go?" I asked.

Michelle nodded, "Yes, please."

I took her bag, and we walked to the rented Lumina. I opened the door for her to get in, closing it once she'd sat. After putting her bag in the back seat with mine, I got into the driver's seat. I started the car and checked my cell phone. There was no service, but I'd had service in the city and by the airport, so I put the car in reverse, backed out of the spot, then put it in drive. I pulled slowly out the drive, and headed towards the airport.

"I need to call the travel agent to get you on the flight. I'll do that as soon as we get close enough to the city to have service for my mobile phone."

"Are you upset with me or disappointed in me?" Michelle asked, her voice just above a whisper.

I shook my head, "No."

"You're very quiet."

"A lot has happened in the last two hours," I said. "It's not something I've contemplated, and that's what I've been doing since you told me."

"And?"

"I have no idea. I suppose part of it depends on what you want."

"Your love. Your companionship. Intimate conversations."

"You know my situation. Kara; Elyse; the kids."

"Yes. How are you doing on your quest?"

I chuckled, "Believe it or not, Kara and Elyse, and that's basically it. Yes, there's a girl here in Pittsburgh, but I only see her when I travel here, and I could easily keep her simply as a very close friend."

"And how does this make you feel?"

"It's not quite as simple as you think. That's a change since June 1st. Before then was, well, typical me."

Michelle shook her head, "Not good. I thought you were making progress."

"My life takes a lot of detours. It's never been a straight path. Ever. Including today!"

"I suppose I did throw you a curveball."

"'Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball'.," I said in my best 'Cerrano' voice with chuckle.

"What did I miss?"

"A movie called Major League. One of the players hits home runs when he is thrown fastballs, but strikes out badly when he is thrown curveballs. That's pretty much the story of my life. I've been trying to learn to hit curveballs since Junior High."

"I suppose I've thrown you at least two."

"At least."

I checked my phone and saw that I had a signal, so I hit the speed-dial button for Barney at the travel agency. There were seats available, and he could get us two next to each other. I expressed surprise at how reasonable the fare was, and he said that quite often if there were empty seats a few hours before the flight, they could be had very inexpensively. I had him book Michelle's seat and charge it to my personal card.

"All set," I said. "Our flight is at 6:00pm. We'll have lunch and find someplace to sit and talk for the afternoon."

"Are you going to call home?"

"And say what? I have no idea what's going to happen other than I'm bringing you to Chicago. All that would happen if I call is that Kara will worry and be nervous."

"Is this going to cause problems?"

"Oh no, not at all," I said flatly. "I bring home beautiful girls who are former novice nuns from monasteries every day!"

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Don't apologize. I promised that if you wanted to come back for any reason, all you had to do was call, and I'd get you back to Chicago. I'm keeping my word."

"Is that the only reason you're doing this?"

"That's an interesting question. The answer to the question is 'yes'; BUT that promise was the culmination of every single thing that happened from the day I met you in September of '91 until you left to come to the monastery a year ago."

"So now what?"

"Heck if I know," I sighed. "One step at a time. Let's get some lunch. That's the next step."

Michelle nodded. When we got closer to Pittsburgh, I got off the freeway and found a sub shop. We parked and went inside. We ordered our lunch, and then went outside to sit on a bench. Michelle prayed, and then we ate. We didn't talk during our meal, and when we finished, we got back in the car. I thought about what we could do, and decided that we'd go to the botanical gardens, where I'd gone with Tara that first weekend I'd met her. I checked the map, and headed in the correct direction.

"Where are we going?" Michelle asked.

"The botanical gardens. I figured it's a nice, quiet place to spend a few hours before our flight home."

She smiled and sat back in her seat, and watched me, silently, for the entire drive. When she'd been in Chicago, we'd spent very little 'quiet time' together, though on a few occasions, such as when she held my hand in the sauna, we'd been quiet. I wondered about her rule of silence at the monastery and considered how I would deal with such a thing. Could I go for months without speaking? I didn't think so. That took an amazing amount of self-discipline.

If Michelle was that disciplined, I didn't see how what she was doing could possibly be done on a whim, which meant it was fully considered. And THAT put the ball squarely in my court. I was going to have to make some very serious decisions that would have lasting impact, and could seriously change the course of Michelle's life, my life, and the life of my entire family.

We arrived at Phipps Conservatory, and after I paid the entrance fee, we strolled around the inside exhibits. After about ten minutes of silence, I felt Michelle's hand against mine, we interlaced our fingers. I needed more information before we arrived in Chicago, but had to be careful how I went about getting it. I didn't want to create any false impressions, nor did I want to say anything that might hurt Michelle. Perhaps an indirect approach would be best.

"What are you going to say to your parents?" I asked.

"I suppose it depends on what I decide to tell them. They'll be happy I'm back in school."

"Have you kept in touch?"

"I wrote them a few postcards, but asked them not to write unless something very important came up. I wanted to focus on being a nun, not on my family."

"So they have no idea you're leaving the monastery?"

"No, they don't. Remember, all I did was ask you to come see me."

"You do need to let them know where you are."

"I will. Can you tell me what's happened while I was away?"

Oh, I surely could! The question was how much I should share with her. Samantha was the biggest issue, though I didn't need to tell Michelle that Samantha and I had been lovers. There were also the issues with Jessica, though I'd already told her that Jessica had moved out. There was also everything that had happened with Jason and Abbie, Eduardo's arrival, and the changes at the Foundation.

Michelle simply let me tell the story, saving her few questions until the end. Just as I finished, we left the building to tour the outside exhibits.

"Samantha is moving out?"

"Yes. It's a bit complicated. As I said, she'll be living in the dorms, but she also bought a condo. She's closed on it, but there is a bunch of remodeling work that needs to be done before she can use it. She's been staying in Bethany's old room; though I'm sure she'll give up her room for you."

"That's not necessary," Michelle said. "The small room in the basement is sufficient. I don't need much of anything."

"Let's talk to Samantha once her condo is ready. I don't think I mentioned that she has a boyfriend. He's an ensign in the Navy."

"From what you said, it sounds like Jessica isn't talking to you at all. Is that true?"

"Yes. She hasn't talked to either Kara or me since her birthday in May. The only communication we have is indirect, through Jorge."

"And she hasn't filed for divorce?"

"No. I don't know what she's thinking at this point. Nobody does because she's not really talking about anything other than work from what I gather."

"That has to be so hard on the kids!" Michelle said. "I'm curious; how does Jesse get to church on Sundays?"

"His friend Vasily picks him up and brings him home. You'll want to go to church?"

"Yes. I hope you'll go with me at least sometimes."

"We can discuss that once you get settled. Kara and I were at church for Pascha, and the whole family went on Holy Saturday morning when Jesse was baptized and chrismated."

"I know I'm bouncing all over the place on topics, but I'll need to get some things from home."

I smiled, "Our conversations back in Chicago tended to bounce all over the place. I missed them. I'm looking forward to those intimate conversations. As for getting things from home, that's another reason to talk to your parents right away. They're going to want to see you, and they're going to ask a lot of questions."

"I know," Michelle sighed. "I'm not sure I'm ready to answer them."

"You're going to get a lot of questions from a lot of people, not just your parents and my family. Have you thought about how you'll answer the questions which are going to come from Elizabeth at the first Rap Session for the Fall, which will be on September 19th?"

"I have no idea. Fortunately, I have a month to think about it. She's going to give me a lot of grief, I expect."

"Perhaps, but I think it will be more about deciding to go to the monastery rather than your decision to come home."

"Home. That sounds very nice."

I hadn't even thought about using that word. Was I subconsciously inviting her to make my house her home? I remembered a conversation I'd had with Kara and Jessica about Michelle and Samantha, and both had expressed a preference for Michelle, though that was before Michelle had made her decision to test her calling. What I really needed to do was talk to Kara and Elyse, and probably Jennifer, Abbie, and Bethany to get their input and advice. And then I would have to make a decision. Certainly, Michelle could stay for a time. How long that time would be was an open question.

When I didn't respond, Michelle remained quiet as well. When it was time to head towards the airport, we walked back to the car. We stopped for a snack, and then returned the rental car. We took the shuttle bus to the terminal and checked in for our flight.

"You're too quiet," Michelle said as we sat at the gate waiting for our flight. "That concerns me."

"Don't worry," I said. "I'm just thinking. And I'm not thinking anything bad. I just need to sort out my feelings and think about the new dynamic. And I need to figure out the best way forward with that new dynamic."

"You're sure?"

"I'm positive."

Michelle smiled and squeezed my hand, which she'd held at every opportunity since she'd first taken it at the Botanic Garden. Our flight was called, and we boarded when our section was called. I could have had a First-Class seat, but because that section of the cabin had been full, Barney had reversed my upgrade, and Michelle and I had side-by-side seats in the Coach cabin. Once I stowed our bags in the overhead bin, Michelle and I took our seats, and she put her hand into mine again.